But daddy!

Circumspection’s youngest son pleading: “But daddy! It’s a cool reggae festival, even Bob Marley’s sons are coming!”
Circumspection’s oldest daughter with a smile: “And Circumspection’s son is not”.

Good wish or revenge?

I hope that each of my kids will have four kids alike to him- or herself.

Reciproque altruïsme

Volgens sommige culturen is het de bedelaar die de gunst doet aan de gever.

Redelijk onfris, ongeschoren en met een nogal vettige en zeer volle rugzak op zijn rug kwam de lang opgeschoten, beetje slungelige jongen mijn winkel binnen. “Meneer heeft u wat geld voor me? Ik heb vannacht in een parkeergarage geslapen en heb haast nog niets gegeten.” Ik schatte hem zo rond de 20 jaar, een beetje de leeftijd van mijn oudste kinderen. Hij had ook iets vertederends, kinderlijks. Ik luisterde naar zijn verhaal en gaf hem wat geld en de boodschap dat hij zichzelf moest vermannen en dat ik hoopte hem ooit nog eens te zien als het beter met hem ging.

Enkele maanden gingen voorbij en op een gegeven moment komt er een redelijk frisse knaap mijn winkel in die met verwachtingsvolle ogen naar me kijkt. Nu is het onthouden van gezichten niet mijn sterkste punt dus ik herkende hem niet meteen. “Meneer? Kent u me niet meer? Ik ben een tijd geleden hier bij u geweest en toen gaf u me wat geld en vertelde me dat u me weer wilde zien als het beter met me gaat, en daarom ben ik nu hier gekomen.”. Ik herkende hem weer en vroeg hoe het met hem ging. “Ik heb een job gevonden en een vaste woonplek en dat wilde ik u vertellen.”

Aangenaam verrast vroeg ik nog wat door en wilde afronden toen hij nog een beetje bleef dralen. Er was namelijk nog een “klein probleempje”. Hij wilde graag van het weekend naar zijn ouders aan de kust en vermits het nog niet het einde van de maand was had hij nog geen geld. Ik gaf hem nog wat geld voor de treinreis met de mededeling dat ik het hem niet gaf maar leende en dat ik hem enkel de volgende keer wilde zien als hij het me terug kwam brengen. Met hondstrouwe ogen beloofde hij langs te komen zo gauw hij uitbetaald werd.

Toen ik die avond dit voorval met mijn kinderen aan tafel besprak was ik hun held. Hún vader had iemand die aan lager wal was geraakt zó kunnen motiveren dat die zichzelf uit zijn nare situatie op aan het werken was. En ik moet eerlijk zeggen het gaf me ook best een goed gevoel.

Toen ik enkele weken geleden naar huis reed zag ik hem weer. Hij sprak een voorbijganger aan met dezelfde mimiek die mij zo aansprak en ik zag de aangesprokene zijn portemonnee opendoen...

Het heeft toch even geduurd voor ik mijn kinderen dit verteld heb. Het was toch eigenlijk fijner hun held te zijn dan hun kneus. En over die jongen kun je zeggen wat je wilt, maar één ding is zeker: hij geeft tenminste waar voor zijn geld.

The Emperor's clothes

“Daddy what is the Holy Virgin?” my youngest daughter asked me. I explained her that she is Mary, the mother of Jesus. Then she asked: “But she was his mother, how can she be a virgin?”. So I told her that that was just the miracle of the whole thing. She started giggling and asked me if grown-up people really believed that...

Eerie father

The road of a modern father isn't always paved with marsh-mallows. Or perhaps it is, easy to sink into and sticky as can be.

Being a single-parent now I am drawn into the world of other parents. A few nights ago a mother and daughter came to pick up my youngest daughter for a sleep-over at new-years eve. I had met the mother already a few times so I kissed her on both cheeks. The daughter she had with her, not the friend of my daughter but an older specimen that I estimated to be 15 or 16, was standing behind her, timidly. After some of my insisting and her hesitation, this daughter kissed me too. I then asked both to come in and offered them something to drink.

During the nice conversation we had it slowly became clear to me that the 15/16 year old daughter was in fact a son.....

I firmly shook his hand when they left a bit later.

When my youngest daughter was brought back to me today and the whole family came out the car to wish me a happy new year... the son was sitting in the car and waving safely at me from a distance.....

Naches is...

... hearing my daughter laughing in her sleep.

For our children sake

My perceiving:
you've monopolized grieving.
Please awake
for our children sake.

... (103)

Ignore me, it hurts but I can live with it.
But support the children, call them!
Show them you love them!

To whoever feels addressed to

Ignore me, it hurts but I can live with it.
But support the children, call them!
Show them you love them!

To my kids

I started writing this early 2008 and decided I would have it automatically published in my blog years later.

Yes I have always loved your mother. But the way I love her has changed over time.

Sexual matters between parents are not easy to explain to your own children for several reasons. One of the reasons is that children do not wish to see their parents as sexual active creatures. The second reason is that you are of an age that you cannot yet judge the importance of sexuality in a relationship. And the third reason is that I do not want to come out with personal details of things what happened, or not, between your mother and me.

Let me put it this way, your mother who really is a sweet caring woman and a terrific mother rather had me hug her and lie passively next to her then loving each other in a physical way. We consumed our marriage for the first time only several months after our wedding. Our physical contact remained mainly non-sexual. At a certain moment I got the impression that she rather saw me and loved me as a sort of brother. The fact that she kisses her youngest brother (that she likes the most) on the mouth in the same manner as she kisses me, made me stronger in this idea.

Your mother always considered sex as something dirty, abject and not to discuss or to speak about at other moments. Although this attitude towards me, she somehow knew that she had to keep up appearances to others. Making public remarks, giving you and others the impression we had a blooming sex-life. She just couldn't even enjoy giving me the simplest form of pleasure: when I asked her to scratch my back, she complained that it would make her nails dirty and bought me a back scratcher.

I never could discuss this with her as she did not consider it her problem but mine and that I should solve it for myself. Whenever I tried to discuss it with her she use to get angry and more then one time she screamed at me that if I "needed to do my thing" so much that I should "go to the whores". I remember the first time this happened was when we were still living in Holland around 1990.

Then, it must have been 2000 or 2001, when we were making love one night, she ran to the bathroom to throw up. Not that we were kinky or abnormal in any way but she felt disgusted about it. A more pronounced statement of physical abjection is hardly thinkable. This made me feel dirty and sad for a very long time. I decided that since sex was not for her and that she considered it to be my problem that I at least should try and solve it for me. Because I loved your mother and I did not want to leave her, or at least not as long as you kids were in the house, I solved it in a manner that I do not want to talk about. Yet.

As I told you, I love her. But not as my wife anymore but more as a sister. I didn't want this to happen but for a good marriage you need two. What good is a marriage if the happiness of one is based upon the unhappiness of the other; and that is the situation now.

I want to be, need to be, wanted in more then just being there. I want to, need to, enjoy the happiness, experience my partner's pleasure of pleasing me. I need my partner to be interested in me in and in what I do. Just as much as it would give me joy to see my partner pleased by me and that I want to be interested in what she does or thinks. I am not only talking about sex here. It is much wider or deeper what I need, it is the communication I miss in all ways. I yearn for an intellectual connection and interest and involvement in what I do. This is something your mother cannot or want to give me. Really I tried, I think to stay in such a marriage for over 20 years proves my efforts.

Again, I really respect your mother but you must have noticed that she is not really interested in what I do nor do we share the same interests anymore. To me marriage should be more then living in the same house, raising children together and having a nice time with mutual friends and family. To me marriage also should be the bond of two people communicating in the same manner in all possible ways about mutual interests; work, philosophy and, yes, sex being a normal part of that.

In the end of 2007 I told your mother that I do not want to continue this way anymore and that in a year, if nothing would change, I would reconsider our marriage. Because I put it down to her so clearly she realized that now it had become her problem too. We went together to an expert in relation-matters where soon was decided that your mother would go alone to work on herself and that I would join the sessions if your mother wants me to. I have strong doubts that it will be enough.

What and when I decide, I do not know yet. I do know however that I do not want to grow old like this. Noone is to blame for this situation, and yet we both are. Perhaps I should have tried to correct this much sooner, but perhaps I wasn't mature enough yet to do so. I never realized that this would become such a big issue. And now, perhaps, it is too late.

Perhaps you do not understand it now, perhaps you will one day or perhaps you never will. But know that both your mother and father love you immensely, now and forever.

papa



December 3, 2008.

My sweet children. It has begun and it has ended, your mother and me are in a pivoting point in our relationship. After 10 months with a relation-therapist your mother made me another vow that she would change. But I do not need vows anymore now, I have had enough of them. I need the change itself. There is a Dutch saying: "veel beloven en weinig geven doet een zot in vreugde leven". Our marital life has been full of vows that "tomorrow it's your turn that I'll please you". The way I led my life is not as I want it to be for the years to come.

The time has come that I tell you how I solved "my problem". I have an extramarital relation with another woman for five years now and I do not want to live this clandestine life anymore because your mother cannot see she has a problem. So I told your mother about the relationship I have with my paramour.

I accept the way your mother is and I realize that I cannot ask what is not there. This leaves me only two options that I told your mother: either your mother and I stay together but then she has to accept my needs too and how I solve them or we separate.

Your mother has a lot of pain because of this, and it hurts me to see her like that. I do not have any feelings of guilt or shame, but feelings of doubt I do have. Could I have avoided this? Perhaps I could and perhaps I couldn't. Again, it's hard to explain to you the problems of intimacy your mother and I encountered.It seems like your mother is working hard on accepting the situation and I admire her for that. But her feelings go up and down like a roller coaster. I hope both your mother and I find enough strength to overcome this situation.

Loving you with all my heart papa

September 10, 2009

A lot has happened in the past year. Your mother and I went to two ladies who tried to help us in this situation. In the beginning of the year I stopped the extramarital relationship I had to give our marriage a honest chance. Your mother and I came closer to each other but there is no depth. We had a nice family vacation with all four of you but when we came back home there was still this shallowness that can be nice in a vacation but not in daily life.

So as I understood that your mother will never end our relationship and that she rather is unhappy together then the uncertain future we both have now when splitting up, I decided that it's been enough. We are going to split up and told you last Tuesday morning. I hope both your mother and I will be able to go our seperate ways in a peaceful manner.

With love, Papa

September 24, 2009

Last night we went to the notary. Your mother was assisted by her brother and I made your mother a proposal that I think is more then fair. But I have a very uneasy feeling on her reaction and her demands. I hope reason will prevail over her emotions but I fear for the worst.

love, Papa

October 5, 2009

Yesterday we had an appointment at the notary again, your mother, her brother and I. I didn't stay there longer then 5 minutes. I left, seething about the level of indecency in the "proposal" I was given. This is going the wrong way. Apparently your mother wants to solve this in anger. There is no need for anger here, the whole situation is sad for everybody and nobody will win here. She won't, I won't and you won't either. I refuse to go that way. Her brother called me in the evening and I told him that I am lowering my initial offer. I will lower it till she sees that we do not have anything but debts and that there is nothing to claim from me. I do realize that your mother needs money for a new start and I will enlarge the debts that I have to give her a serious sum of money. She and her brother are making a huge mistake confusing benignity with foolishness. I refuse to be taken advantage of. If I stop working nobody has anything. Let's hope for reason to come.

Love Papa

October 7, 2009




Some things have changed for the better since last time I wrote. Your mother's brother called me last night and I told him how I feel misused and that I think they should be very ashamed of themselves. I also told him that I offered your mother way more then what we have together because I do not want to mistreat her and that I understand it is more difficult for her then for me to restart. If we had to pay for all the debts we have we still have a huge gap of money. I also told him that because of their greediness I lowered my initial offer and that it was either that or lower again next time. I hang up angry. He called me back a second time trying to explain to me that "it was just a start for negotiation what they proposed and that I should not misinterpret the whole thing". I replied something that he knew what I was thinking of it and they could call me with their answer.

About 9 PM I went home, went straight to bed and didn't speak to your mother at all. I didn't sleep much that night, perhaps just 1 or 2 hours and left at 7 for work again. The sadness I had the day before was gone and changed into a sort of firmness, belief in my own strength that whatever would happen I would survive even if it would mean quiting the business and having the bank confiscating our house. Yesterday in the afternoon your mother called me and really in the sweetest voice and all openly telling me she accepted the offer I made through her brother and that I really was a good father and a good husband and that she always said these things about me. I was really emotional hearing this. I didn't want to show her my emotions too much as I am not sure yet that she might not change her mind. I told her that when I would get home last night we would speak about it. We did and it went all smooth and open. I'm so relieved I cannot tell you.

Tomorrow I am going to the bank to see how to finance the whole thing and then with some luck it should be all over and done with in 4 months or so. Let' s hope for the best and let this be a good start for our lives to come.

Love, a very relieved papa

Last steps to solitude

the knowledge
not outspoken
yet
a final hesitation
and then
and then

Cool Jew

I was brought up in mild non-religious traditional Jewish manner. The way I experienced my Jewishness evolved over the years. I would describe myself now as a conscious anti-theist. But when I saw my oldest son speaking to an Israeli girl it felt good. It seems that my intellect is built on a sticky layer of emotional inheritance of generations.

Kids catch 22

"I know I promised you that, but I also told you not always to believe me. You didn’t believe that, did you?"

"You wanna play waf?"

... my youngest son in his impersonation of Tony Montana.

A good contraceptive (02)

To experience my wife at her worst.

A good contraceptive (01)

To experience my kids at their worst.

Stoolpigeon!

In my youth whenever I misbehaved out of sight of my parents, they still always seemed to know what I did. Around the age of 5, whether it was walking through the park with all that tempting water, stealing all the go-karts, tricycles and children's wheelbarrows in the neighborhood and hiding them on top of some nearby garages, playing waterfall at the stairs from the top floor in the flat with milk from the bottles that the milkman had left on his daily routine, playing soccer in the sandbox with a big piece of meat the butcher had left on top of the postboxes in the flat and after playing around with it wrapping it back up and laying it back, sneaking in at a local construction work and playing with burning liquid hot tar (that I eventually got in my eyes), selling from door to door the little pieces of fabric that my father had asked me to give to the handicraft teacher or with X-mas, trying to sell the neighbors branches of holly that I had cut from their own tree a bit before, my parents always knew it.

When I asked them how they knew it, they told me that Mrs. Van Hupschoten had told them. Boy, did I hate that woman, snitching on me like that! My parents never wanted to tell me where she lived, or vaguely described the area. When I was 7 years old we moved from Amsterdam to another city. Much to my surprise when I came home one day from jumping ice floes over a canal (something my parents had rather strongly forbidden), I found out that Mrs. Van Hupschoten had moved to the same city too; still snitching on all the things I did.

Now, a parent myself, I too am calling-up on the services of Mrs. Van Hupschoten, much to the despair of my kids, and although they suspect Mrs. Van Hupschoten is imaginary they are not really 100% sure.

Chop off my right hand

It's a parent's duty explaining your kids the difference between right and wrong. Easy as can be...

Some 10 years ago I took a subscription to the NRC-Handelsblad (a Dutch quality evening paper). It was my daily pleasure routine, after diner, laying on my belly on the couch, newspaper spread on the floor and read it. The Saturday editions were especially something to look forward to. Problem was the delivery; many times I had to call that the paper wasn't delivered. Something extra annoying because this mostly happened to the Saturday editions that I liked so much. I decided to cancel my subscription.

About a year ago I thought to give it another try and called the subscription office where I got a very friendly lady on the phone. When I explained her the problem she offered me a free period and then I simply could keep the subscription if I paid the check she would send me, if not then the subscription would automatically stop. I never received this check so I haven't paid. Strange thing is that the deliveries haven't stopped and now I have a free newspaper every day. That is, depending the delivery guy's mood and I do not want to call, afraid this might stop the free deliveries.

My kids know this situation and one of them confronted me with the lack of integrity I am showing here. I told him that he is right but that this is a different situation because now it is about me. But the thing is that he is right and I still haven't called the office of the paper to tell them about it.

Tell me, should I?

Update Monday, February 25, 2008, 9:30 AM

I just called the NRC-customer’s desk and spoke to a very unfriendly man accusing me of misusing their system. He did not seem to understand that I want to pay for my subscription and he just wanted to stop it. I decided to not leave my name. I will call back this afternoon when his manager is in.

Update Monday, February 25, 2008, 4:30 PM

I spoke with the manager and I'll be paying my subscription again starting the day after tomorrow.

Update Monday, February 25, 2008, 5:00 PM

Just told my son what happened, and that I did it because he was right. He, 13 years old, thanked me for the good example I gave and said that he would never be so stupid to call the newspaper...

Update Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Did not receive my paper today.

Update Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Received paper of today together with yesterday's news.

Update Thursday, February 28, 2008

Did not receive my paper today.

Update Friday, February 29, 2008

Did not receive my paper today.

Update Saturday, March 01, 2008

Received two issues of today's paper.

Há, die pa!

"Yo de jong!"

Fledging

slumbering life
silent suffering
the unknown sacrifice