Sunday, October 11, 2009

Honest and open as can be

I just woke up from a nightmare in which I got all the anger over me from the family of my future ex-wife. A real bad dream where they accused me of how I misused their confidence all those years when I had an extramarital relationship and how insincere they know I am now. Accusing me of hurting my wife and them and not thinking about their feelings.

My response was that they were also a major reason I tried so long to keep this marriage working in all ways that I did. To loose them in my life I find terrible. BUT I came to an age that I realize that I should not live my life in fear, fear of being alone, fear of having nothing, fear for anything, that the essence of my life should not be being in service of others. The only reason I should stay with my wife (besides my children) should be me. That is not a selfish choice that is self-preservation. It's not a choice against my wife it is a choice for me. There has not been anger or avenge in my decision to search for a paramour; it was pure self-preservation. It did not “just happen” it was a thought out choice. I have never felt guilt, shame or malicious pleasure towards my wife because of it. There has not been anger or avenge in my decision to stop this marriage. It just was finished. It was not a choice between two women. There was not enough expectation on input any more to make it meaningful for my existence.

And then I woke up.

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