Good wish or revenge?

I hope that each of my kids will have four kids alike to him- or herself.

Eerie father

The road of a modern father isn't always paved with marsh-mallows. Or perhaps it is, easy to sink into and sticky as can be.

Being a single-parent now I am drawn into the world of other parents. A few nights ago a mother and daughter came to pick up my youngest daughter for a sleep-over at new-years eve. I had met the mother already a few times so I kissed her on both cheeks. The daughter she had with her, not the friend of my daughter but an older specimen that I estimated to be 15 or 16, was standing behind her, timidly. After some of my insisting and her hesitation, this daughter kissed me too. I then asked both to come in and offered them something to drink.

During the nice conversation we had it slowly became clear to me that the 15/16 year old daughter was in fact a son.....

I firmly shook his hand when they left a bit later.

When my youngest daughter was brought back to me today and the whole family came out the car to wish me a happy new year... the son was sitting in the car and waving safely at me from a distance.....

To my kids

I started writing this early 2008 and decided I would have it automatically published in my blog years later.

Yes I have always loved your mother. But the way I love her has changed over time.

Sexual matters between parents are not easy to explain to your own children for several reasons. One of the reasons is that children do not wish to see their parents as sexual active creatures. The second reason is that you are of an age that you cannot yet judge the importance of sexuality in a relationship. And the third reason is that I do not want to come out with personal details of things what happened, or not, between your mother and me.

Let me put it this way, your mother who really is a sweet caring woman and a terrific mother rather had me hug her and lie passively next to her then loving each other in a physical way. We consumed our marriage for the first time only several months after our wedding. Our physical contact remained mainly non-sexual. At a certain moment I got the impression that she rather saw me and loved me as a sort of brother. The fact that she kisses her youngest brother (that she likes the most) on the mouth in the same manner as she kisses me, made me stronger in this idea.

Your mother always considered sex as something dirty, abject and not to discuss or to speak about at other moments. Although this attitude towards me, she somehow knew that she had to keep up appearances to others. Making public remarks, giving you and others the impression we had a blooming sex-life. She just couldn't even enjoy giving me the simplest form of pleasure: when I asked her to scratch my back, she complained that it would make her nails dirty and bought me a back scratcher.

I never could discuss this with her as she did not consider it her problem but mine and that I should solve it for myself. Whenever I tried to discuss it with her she use to get angry and more then one time she screamed at me that if I "needed to do my thing" so much that I should "go to the whores". I remember the first time this happened was when we were still living in Holland around 1990.

Then, it must have been 2000 or 2001, when we were making love one night, she ran to the bathroom to throw up. Not that we were kinky or abnormal in any way but she felt disgusted about it. A more pronounced statement of physical abjection is hardly thinkable. This made me feel dirty and sad for a very long time. I decided that since sex was not for her and that she considered it to be my problem that I at least should try and solve it for me. Because I loved your mother and I did not want to leave her, or at least not as long as you kids were in the house, I solved it in a manner that I do not want to talk about. Yet.

As I told you, I love her. But not as my wife anymore but more as a sister. I didn't want this to happen but for a good marriage you need two. What good is a marriage if the happiness of one is based upon the unhappiness of the other; and that is the situation now.

I want to be, need to be, wanted in more then just being there. I want to, need to, enjoy the happiness, experience my partner's pleasure of pleasing me. I need my partner to be interested in me in and in what I do. Just as much as it would give me joy to see my partner pleased by me and that I want to be interested in what she does or thinks. I am not only talking about sex here. It is much wider or deeper what I need, it is the communication I miss in all ways. I yearn for an intellectual connection and interest and involvement in what I do. This is something your mother cannot or want to give me. Really I tried, I think to stay in such a marriage for over 20 years proves my efforts.

Again, I really respect your mother but you must have noticed that she is not really interested in what I do nor do we share the same interests anymore. To me marriage should be more then living in the same house, raising children together and having a nice time with mutual friends and family. To me marriage also should be the bond of two people communicating in the same manner in all possible ways about mutual interests; work, philosophy and, yes, sex being a normal part of that.

In the end of 2007 I told your mother that I do not want to continue this way anymore and that in a year, if nothing would change, I would reconsider our marriage. Because I put it down to her so clearly she realized that now it had become her problem too. We went together to an expert in relation-matters where soon was decided that your mother would go alone to work on herself and that I would join the sessions if your mother wants me to. I have strong doubts that it will be enough.

What and when I decide, I do not know yet. I do know however that I do not want to grow old like this. Noone is to blame for this situation, and yet we both are. Perhaps I should have tried to correct this much sooner, but perhaps I wasn't mature enough yet to do so. I never realized that this would become such a big issue. And now, perhaps, it is too late.

Perhaps you do not understand it now, perhaps you will one day or perhaps you never will. But know that both your mother and father love you immensely, now and forever.

papa



December 3, 2008.

My sweet children. It has begun and it has ended, your mother and me are in a pivoting point in our relationship. After 10 months with a relation-therapist your mother made me another vow that she would change. But I do not need vows anymore now, I have had enough of them. I need the change itself. There is a Dutch saying: "veel beloven en weinig geven doet een zot in vreugde leven". Our marital life has been full of vows that "tomorrow it's your turn that I'll please you". The way I led my life is not as I want it to be for the years to come.

The time has come that I tell you how I solved "my problem". I have an extramarital relation with another woman for five years now and I do not want to live this clandestine life anymore because your mother cannot see she has a problem. So I told your mother about the relationship I have with my paramour.

I accept the way your mother is and I realize that I cannot ask what is not there. This leaves me only two options that I told your mother: either your mother and I stay together but then she has to accept my needs too and how I solve them or we separate.

Your mother has a lot of pain because of this, and it hurts me to see her like that. I do not have any feelings of guilt or shame, but feelings of doubt I do have. Could I have avoided this? Perhaps I could and perhaps I couldn't. Again, it's hard to explain to you the problems of intimacy your mother and I encountered.It seems like your mother is working hard on accepting the situation and I admire her for that. But her feelings go up and down like a roller coaster. I hope both your mother and I find enough strength to overcome this situation.

Loving you with all my heart papa

September 10, 2009

A lot has happened in the past year. Your mother and I went to two ladies who tried to help us in this situation. In the beginning of the year I stopped the extramarital relationship I had to give our marriage a honest chance. Your mother and I came closer to each other but there is no depth. We had a nice family vacation with all four of you but when we came back home there was still this shallowness that can be nice in a vacation but not in daily life.

So as I understood that your mother will never end our relationship and that she rather is unhappy together then the uncertain future we both have now when splitting up, I decided that it's been enough. We are going to split up and told you last Tuesday morning. I hope both your mother and I will be able to go our seperate ways in a peaceful manner.

With love, Papa

September 24, 2009

Last night we went to the notary. Your mother was assisted by her brother and I made your mother a proposal that I think is more then fair. But I have a very uneasy feeling on her reaction and her demands. I hope reason will prevail over her emotions but I fear for the worst.

love, Papa

October 5, 2009

Yesterday we had an appointment at the notary again, your mother, her brother and I. I didn't stay there longer then 5 minutes. I left, seething about the level of indecency in the "proposal" I was given. This is going the wrong way. Apparently your mother wants to solve this in anger. There is no need for anger here, the whole situation is sad for everybody and nobody will win here. She won't, I won't and you won't either. I refuse to go that way. Her brother called me in the evening and I told him that I am lowering my initial offer. I will lower it till she sees that we do not have anything but debts and that there is nothing to claim from me. I do realize that your mother needs money for a new start and I will enlarge the debts that I have to give her a serious sum of money. She and her brother are making a huge mistake confusing benignity with foolishness. I refuse to be taken advantage of. If I stop working nobody has anything. Let's hope for reason to come.

Love Papa

October 7, 2009




Some things have changed for the better since last time I wrote. Your mother's brother called me last night and I told him how I feel misused and that I think they should be very ashamed of themselves. I also told him that I offered your mother way more then what we have together because I do not want to mistreat her and that I understand it is more difficult for her then for me to restart. If we had to pay for all the debts we have we still have a huge gap of money. I also told him that because of their greediness I lowered my initial offer and that it was either that or lower again next time. I hang up angry. He called me back a second time trying to explain to me that "it was just a start for negotiation what they proposed and that I should not misinterpret the whole thing". I replied something that he knew what I was thinking of it and they could call me with their answer.

About 9 PM I went home, went straight to bed and didn't speak to your mother at all. I didn't sleep much that night, perhaps just 1 or 2 hours and left at 7 for work again. The sadness I had the day before was gone and changed into a sort of firmness, belief in my own strength that whatever would happen I would survive even if it would mean quiting the business and having the bank confiscating our house. Yesterday in the afternoon your mother called me and really in the sweetest voice and all openly telling me she accepted the offer I made through her brother and that I really was a good father and a good husband and that she always said these things about me. I was really emotional hearing this. I didn't want to show her my emotions too much as I am not sure yet that she might not change her mind. I told her that when I would get home last night we would speak about it. We did and it went all smooth and open. I'm so relieved I cannot tell you.

Tomorrow I am going to the bank to see how to finance the whole thing and then with some luck it should be all over and done with in 4 months or so. Let' s hope for the best and let this be a good start for our lives to come.

Love, a very relieved papa

Kids catch 22

"I know I promised you that, but I also told you not always to believe me. You didn’t believe that, did you?"

Holocaust survivors, second generation (9)

I must have been 6.

We were in our car, standing at a red light. My father driving, my mother next to him and me in the backseat.

Next to us, real close, another car with German plates stopped. The driver looked into our car and smiled from behind his closed window. My mother was almost closer to him then to my father and she got angry with this German guy. He kept smiling at her while her anger developed into a panic rage.

I can’t remember any other occasIon, seeing my mother with that sort of mixture of anger and panic.

Light turned green, both cars pulled away at the same speed, at the same close distance to each other. Then the guy took a right turn.

And we continued along the road. My parents in the front and me in the back as observing fellow passenger.

To the next post in the "second generation" sequence

Loneliness

Missing a parental shoulder to cry on.

Holocaust survivors, the second generation (2)

My father...

Thinking about my father (may he rest in peace) I visualize a particular moment in 1943: Two kids at the age of 10 and 12 - my father and his older sister - abandoned for their sake by their father at a tram-station in Amsterdam. Picked up by the resistance and brought to a save hiding place.

- Having kids myself I can’t even imagine what my grandfather must have felt leaving his kids behind like that, nor the terrible feeling of three long years not knowing if they are still alive. -

The kids were separated. My father was hidden in the northern part of the Netherlands, Friesland, given a Christian name and brought up in the Christian doctrine by a righteous family.

- We frequently visited my father’s “hiding parents”, I was only too young to realize the importancy of these people to my life. They’re both deceased, but I wish I could tell them how grateful I am, also on behalf of my kids. -

My father had his bar mitzvah together with me...

To the next post in the "second generation" sequence

Holocaust survivors, the second generation (1)

My mother...

Chicken soup on Friday night and feeling Jewish mostly because of the deep sorrow we had to carry... not very inspiring. My mother (may she rest in peace) suffered from KZ syndrome as Bergen-Belsen survivor. I was named after her father, who was murdered in front of my mother's eyes, a few months before liberation. I remember her lying on the ground, foaming... I must have been three years old.

I grew up in the sixties in a little town and vividly remember the anti-Semitic aggression I encountered. Whenever I was confronted with anti-Semitism - in my recollection almost weekly - it felt like “they” were attacking my mother and by fighting “them” I felt like defending her. I remember my anger just because of the fact that I wasn’t born earlier so I could have protected my mother.

Sorrow and pain, a lot of pain… that’s how I remember my youth. I must have had nice moments too, but looking back they seem to be covered by a blanket of dark memories.

To the next post in the "second generation" sequence